Queer Desi: Out of Line and Offline

SPOILER ALERT: This book is not really a plot based novel, it is a collection of interviews and stories. I am placing this spoiler alert anyway because I will be discussing some aspects of the stories presented. This is a book review for Out of Line and Offline: Queer Mobilizations in ’90s Eastern India by Pawan Dhall.

I have been woefully negligent in my research and own education of the queer movement in India. I would like to fix my blind spots and am actively finding books on the topic of Queer Movement, Gender Identities, LGBTQ+ as defined and existing in Indian History and Mythology. I would like to call these series of books and movie reviews as ‘Queer Desi’.

In the last few years, I have started to come to terms with my own sexuality and identity, what those words mean to me and how I view myself in the spectrum of lgbtq identities. I have always known I was different and didn’t fit in the romantic spectrum and gender norms in place in the Indian society. I was assigned woman at birth and I do identify as a woman however, I was never at home with what was defined as a ‘woman’ in the Indian society. The contradictions made no sense to my hyper logical brain. I was either too fat, too fair, too loud, too stubborn, too complacent, too dependent, too independent, too smart, not smart enough, too strong, too weak, too inquisitive or not enough. I always somehow seemed to miss the mark of what makes a woman. To add to the confusion, my romantic interests were both traditional and not at the same time.

My parents did everything they could to provide my brother and I equal opportunities, they treated us equally and tried to never discriminate based on our genders. However, what your parents want for you can only exist within the four walls of your house. Living in a community culture where family includes everyone from your first cousins to fifth or sixth based on geological proximity, parents lose a large amount of autonomy on how they raise their children. And of course the societal pressure to raise a ‘woman’ and a ‘man’ to fit the definition as imposed by the so called ‘Indian culture’ has it’s own set of problems.

Anyway, I digress. Out of Line and Offline is the first book I have read about anything relating to Queer movement and culture in India. I don’t have anything else to compare it to but I don’t think that matters. Let me discuss the wonderful aspects of the book first.

Why You Should Read this Book

I would like to applaud the author for doing a wonderful job of inclusion in this set of interviews and stories. There are multiple perspectives packed within this 150-page book, I was blown away by the diversity and range of folks included. I grew up in the 90s and 2000s in India. Although, I was pre-pubescent in the 90s and hadn’t a notion of my identity in the 2000s I do remember several political and cultural movements during the time. I remember the HIV/AIDS awareness campaigns and ads, I have my encounters with several Hijra communities (despite being told in no uncertain words to stay away by my family) and was exposed to a very subconscious understanding of the queer movement. BUT I had no idea the cultural changes and impacts of queer communities fighting for visibility during that era.

The author goes back down their memory lane to people they met during their time at Counsel Club, their interactions and the work that they have done over the years. They have painted a vivid picture of that time and welcomed us into their literary Pensieve (- Harry Potter reference) that I was able to imagine these moments. The writing takes you back to your own experiences as well without alienating you from the story at hand. I really appreciated the clarity of the author on page one explaining what to expect from the book. They clearly state that the book is not going to delve into the reason why a queer movement started in India and that set the tone of the book very nicely.

The recollections and interviews are genuine, profound and authentic in a way that is very difficult to capture. Pawan Dhall has successfully captured the nostalgia and soul of what they were trying to convey. The educational information on various CBOs and NGOs that existed in the 90s and 2000s is invaluable, even if some of them no longer exist. It is important to document the contributions of all communities that have helped us to get where we are today.

Pawan Dhall does not simply talk about the good times. This is what made this book such an eye opening and interesting read. They document the failures, limitations and gaps that existed in the time these movements were being spear headed. They explore the caste issues within the movement and acknowledge the privilege or lack thereof among activists and allies in the queer movements. There is no judgement in the author’s tone and he provides some very interesting questions for the reader to ponder over.

The book Out of Line and Offline is a beautiful piece of work that balances the good, the bad and everything in between wonderfully. There are several sentences and stories that may seem casually written but the depth and meaning behind them is endless. It does a great job of keeping the topic at hand centered and clear. I also really appreciated the scope of the book – it didn’t lose itself trying to cover movements all over the nation (though there are mentions of them obviously).

For my first venture into literary queer culture and movement in India, this was a wonderful introduction. The book is chockfull of references and further readings which is very helpful for someone like me.

Why You Should Avoid this Book

You should NOT. There is no reason. Read this book. It is only 150-pages and just by reading this book, educating yourself on the goings on of queer movements in India, you are contributing yourself. Step one is educating yourself.

Could Anything be Better in the Book? Yes, I thought it was bit jarring when the author jumps stories and interviews. Perhaps it was an artistic or story telling choice, I personally felt it could have been edited differently. Not at all a deterrer by any means. One other thing that did bother me, though it could just be the print I have, but there are a few places where pictures are inserted halfway through a sentence. I love the pictures, I just wish they had been strategically placed at the end of paragraphs though.

My Own Experience

In the late 2000s and early 2010s, I started to be exposed to and understand the terms and aspects of the LGBTQ+ community. I was deeply moved by (in my opinion) Queer Queen Falguni Pathak. I didn’t have the terms ‘gay’ or ‘lesbian’ (I do not identify as either) in my vocabulary but I knew that Falguni Pathak showed to me a way of being a woman that I had not known was possible. Her little love stories though supposedly heteronormative always put center stage on the relationship between her and the heroine. The guy seemed like an after-thought, either showing up almost at the end of the video or just appearing for a few minutes (if even). The position Falguni Pathak placed herself in these videos was that of a silent friend who always had your back, constantly available to provide advice and support, edging the heroine towards a more socially accepted relationship all while she herself quietly endures the pangs of unrequited love with a smile. This obviously is what my teenage queer brain interpreted at the time. I related to Falguni Pathak on so many levels.

I wish I had known about some of these CBOs and NGOs as I was growing up, perhaps the pain and loneliness could have been elevated in some respect. But now, being actively a part of the LGBTQ+ community, interacting with some wonderful people I have met and being a resource myself, I would like to think elevates that pain and loneliness I had felt in the past.

Have you read the book? Are you going to read the book? Let me know! The artwork featured here is my own, feel free to check out my Instagram for more.

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Another classic, another disaster. I will include a spoiler alert because if you are like me and haven’t heard about this book other than the words – Trilby and Svengali – well you are in for a rude awakening. You may think you know the plot but trust me that is not even the half of it. So, if you want to read the book first, bookmark this page and come back to it after you have finished it.

If you are short on time, I can summarize the theme of the book in two words – Anti-Semitic and Misogynist. That’s all you really need to know but because this is a review, I will elaborate.

Let us start with the titular characters – Trilby and Svengali. Shocker: they are not the protagonists!! They are barely in the story at all! They make up maybe 30%, if I am being generous. The book is actually about a pathetic dumbass painter called Little Billy and his two friends. The story is set in 1800s Paris – or famously known as Belle Epoque Paris and revolves around three European painters. These painters are worse than Werther in some ways – they also possess the holier than thou, straight white male, chastity-worshipping, stalker qualities that were oh so prevalent in that century. All three of them encounter Trilby – described in the second most misogynistic way in the book – while they are spending their days in good old Paris’ Latin Quarter painting, drinking, being pretentious, looking down upon women that ‘sit for the figure’. A big deal is made about how Tribly is the worst singer they have encountered with a gorgeous sound and how much she hates Svengali.

Speaking of Svengali, I stopped reading the book several times because I could simply not get past the Anti-Semitism. The misogyny is horrible, don’t get me wrong but maybe I have just come to expect such nonsense from male authors (even today!) and so it wasn’t as shocking as the racism. It was just as depressing though. It is quite impressive (sarcasm, duh) how George du Maurier was able to fit in an exorbitant amount of racism for a character that barely appears in the book. But since I had started it, I had to finish it.

The majority of the book is about how innocent and pure Little Billy is and how the three men spend their time in Paris. In a twist that everybody saw coming, all three men fall in love with Trilby but Little Billy is the only one that expresses his love and wears her down into saying yes. But immediately after, Little Billy’s mother lands in Paris because she won’t have a ‘figure-sitting loose woman’ for a daughter-in-law. In a turn of events, Trilby abandons Little Billy because he is too good for her. The rest of the book talks about Little Billy’s ‘depression’ brought on by Trilby’s rejection. Unlike Werther, Little Billy is unable to stalk Trilby because he has no idea where she is but it doesn’t make him any less insufferable than Werther. The moaning, the whining, the fetishizing of the ‘virgin’ is all just too much.

The last thirty-something pages of the book get to the actual plot. The entire world is talking about a new singing diva – The Lady Svengali and it is none other than our Trilby. Little Billy is immediately cured of his ‘depression’ – he starts to feel love again but is unable to believe that Trilby is with a man like Svengali. They also notice a huge change in Trilby. She almost seems like an entirely different person. Our three heroes have no idea what to make of it all.

A lot of anti- Semitism later.

Svengali dies during a concert and Trilby has no idea where she is. Her health starts to deteriorate rapidly. Everybody thinks that the grief of losing her husband has made her lose her mind and though it is peculiar that she only remembers parts of her life and none of the diva memories are retained, they are too occupied by her health to worry about these lapses. Eventually, Trilby is at death’s door and a few minutes before her life calls it quit, she encounters a portrait of Svengali. As though in a trance, Trilby belts out one last heavenly rendition of Chopin’s Impromptu in A flat and dies. Little Billy dies shortly afterwards overcome by grief.

The book was extremely tiring to read. It may have been that the translation I read wasn’t the best one but I don’t think so. I generally don’t enjoy reading racist misogynistic characters and I don’t enjoy reading descriptions of music. There are also an incredible number of adverbs used to describe things and it gets old pretty soon. Despite all that the final description of what transpired between Svengali and Trilby as divulged to Taffy by Gecko was one of the most haunting things I have ever read. All I can say is, at least, the ending lived up to the hype. But was it worth it? Tell me what you think in the comments.

The Power in your Hands

Spoiler Alert for The Power by Naomi Alderman : If you haven’t read the book yet please stop here, bookmark the page, read it and come back. Or if you like spoilers, please go ahead.

Let me first explain the photo displayed above. From where I come, patriarchy is rampant and the only value a woman is given is based on how successful her husband is. Without a marriage, most of her accomplishments will remain unappreciated. Growing up, I associated Mehndi (henna) with weddings. It is tradition for the bride to adorn her feet and hands with Mehndi. When I turned 23 and my parents started to bring up the topic of marriage and such, I wasn’t ready. To their credit, they did not start badgering me about it until I turned 26. At this point, I started to resent weddings and everything that went with it. This was a big deal for me because my secret ambition is to be a wedding planner when I grow up. I realized however, it wasn’t Mehndi or my parents that were causing my resentment. It was the system and the patriarchal culture that required a woman’s worth to be tied to a man.

After 3 years of debating and fighting, my parents finally have given up on the prospect of me ever being married. I have since decided Mehndi will be my symbol of the power I yield as an independent woman who doesn’t need a man to validate her.

Let us move on to the actual review of the book. Now, is a book really good if it made you extremely depressed? I think it is, because it must have been written well to incite such a strong emotion in the reader. In my last post, I talked about the best book I read in 2017. (If you didn’t read my last post, it was The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy). The Power by Naomi Alderman was the best book I read in 2018. I hated that book, only because of how accurate I thought it was in it’s depiction of a dystopian future.

If you are a feminist, like I am, you have, no doubt, daydreamed about what it would be like if the patriarchy was flipped on it’s head. What if men and women switched places? If the power lay in our hands, what would the world look like? One of the reasons I hated the book is because it shattered my bubble, it was a rude awakening to reality, my daydreams turned into nightmares.

Naomi Alderman’s writing style is pleasing, she knows how to write a story and most important of all, she knows how to captivate her audience and make them feel. For days after the book, I kept trying to find flaws in her argument, to find a way to avoid the dystopia she predicted. I could not! I was distraught. Did this mean, there was no point in our fight? Would we be committing atrocities against men? We would not! The point of feminism is not to rule over men! My fight isn’t against men – it is against patriarchy, toxic masculinity, this notion that somehow women are an inferior species.

The Power is a difficult read. But it is a very important book. If you meet men that do not believe in feminism or are the poster child for everything wrong with this world, I would have them read this book. Maybe if they read about what happens to women everyday in today’s world as happening to them, maybe then they will open their eyes and aid in our fight to smash the patriarchy.

P.S. I apologize if this post was more rant than review. I think The Power is a great food for thought and these ideas are worth discussing.

Books I could re-read forever

Kicking off with books I could re-read forever. This is definitely a long list and so I am limiting myself to 10 books; also, because I recycled this idea from a post from last year found at That Artsy reader Girl Top Ten Tuesday – Books I could re-read forever.

To avoid making this a ridiculously long post, I will try to reign in my excitement and stick to a paragraph per book (except for the first one).

Every book is a new world. I have lived and died many times over, in many worlds

Collage created using TurboCollage software from www.TurboCollage.com

My top ten – used the TurboCollage Lite app

Looking back at the books I have read brought back a lot of fond memories. Without further ado, here are my Top Ten Books I Could Re-read Forever.
SPOILER ALERT: I have tried to not give away too much about the plot. I accidentally might have and so this is a cautionary spoiler alert.

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Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling

On top of this list is definitely Harry Potter. I could and have re-read the entire series many times. I even own the audio books. I listen to them when I have trouble falling asleep. Harry Potter, honestly, is my go-to series. I read it when I am sad, happy, angry, whenever. I am from the generation that grew up reading the books. My mom bought me my first one when I was twelve and I immediately fell in love.

A lot of my life revolves around Harry Potter, to be honest. It is not only my security blanket but I weirdly draw strength from Harry’s world. I know in my heart, no matter what happens, nobody can take this away from me. This series represents so much more to me than just books; it has been a ray of light in my darkest hour. I can always count on losing myself for at least a few hours with Harry, leaving all my troubles behind.

I am a nerd, I own it, I love it, it’s who I am. Sci-fi and fantasy stories are mostly what I live for. I am not usually a big fan of non-fiction. However, I am trying to expand my horizons. This is why I joined the Read Harder challenge, it forces me to step out of my comfort zone. Reading non-fiction isn’t technically ‘stepping out’ of my comfort zone. I will read pretty much anything but I tend to stick to sci-fi, fantasy, murder mysteries and thrillers. I can’t resist a good story.

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Tiger Hills by Sarita Mandanna

I found this book by complete fluke. I had no idea what to expect – I don’t judge a book by it’s cover. This book blew me away. I will be honest, I wasn’t stoked by her writing style as much as I was about her story-telling. The story spans a few generations and is so beautifully told that it evokes emotions you normally wouldn’t feel for fictional characters. The most interesting thing I found about this book, however, was how my perspective changed when I read the book at different phases of my life. As I grew older, it wasn’t just about an epic romance; it was also about the fate of rape victims in India, of rape itself and how no one can ever predict how what life may throw at you next.

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The Illustrated Man by Ray Bradbury

Oh! How I love this book. This is one of those ‘food for thought’ books all while being one of the most intriguing stories I have read. It’s fascinating how all the different short stories come together and are connected while being seemingly disconnected. I would describe this as the Black Mirror of books. It is also kind of a cheat to add this to this list because you can always pick and choose only a select short stories to read without having to read the entire book. Of all the short stories in this book, my favorite is ‘The Exiles’. It gave me the chills.

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The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy

This was the best book I read in all of 2017. I read 17 books and this one easily takes the cake. Her writing style is so unique, I literally have no words to express how much I enjoyed it. I will try because this is a blog post about books. I visited Kerala when I was in undergrad and have a lot of malayali friends. I spent four years surrounded by their rich culture. Reading this book, somehow, brought back all my memories from that time. I will say this, I did not enjoy the end. She added a little bit of an ‘after story’ to the novel and I could have done without it. It seemed to me she added that part only for the sake of increasing her sales and it was definitely disappointing. Apart from that, this book was a delight. I will read this again except the last part.

On a side note – her latest book Ministry of Utmost Happiness seemed dull in comparison. If you plan on reading this book, I would suggest reading Ministry of Utmost Happiness before this one because it will not live up to it’s predecessor.

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Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

Enough has been said about this classic by a lot of people. There is nothing I can say to add on to that. This is my favorite classic of all classic literature. I am a sucker for epic tragic romances, what can I say?

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Geek Love by Katherine Dunn

My love for Geek Love is a mysterious one. I have never been able to understand what exactly it is about this book that I love. I guess it classifies as a tragic romance but it is so much more than that. Frankly, her writing style isn’t outstanding, the story itself isn’t new and the characters aren’t special but put all that together and you have this amazing, haunting read. I have thought long and hard about why this book is so appealing to me. I really think it might just be that I picked this one up when I had been feeling like an outsider. It was a time in my life I did not think I belonged anywhere. I am definitely not comparing myself to carnival folk, I do understand their struggles are great. I think at that time in my life I was able to relate to their feeling of discrimination and abandonment.

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Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien

How can I call myself a nerd and not include Lord of the Rings in this list? This series is here on it’s own merit, though, not just because I am a nerd. I don’t think I need to say anything about them. If you haven’t read it, it is the gospel of fantasy books everywhere. I have never read any other book that is so immersed in it’s world and so detailed. I also strongly believe this is the only book-to-film adaptation that does any justice to the story (extended version of course).

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A Pocket Full of Rye by Agatha Christie

I enjoy a murder mystery more than the average Joe. Agatha Christie is my favorite thriller genre author. Her mysteries are so well thought out. I would say, the one problem people usually face while reading her books is that there’s a lot of detail about the setting. She can easily spend three pages describing a room. Now, that is not everybody’s cup of tea. It doesn’t bother me that much. In fact I enjoy it, it helps make my imagination that much more accurate and clear. Why this book in particular, you may ask. This was my first ever Agatha Christie book. It has sentimental value. I do prefer the plot of ‘Cards on the Table’ but in my opinion, this is the mystery you can read over and over again without ever losing interest.

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Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

Five words – it is a feminist classic. Bonus – there is also a tragic romance.

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Tell Me Your Dreams – Sidney Sheldon

Before you judge me, hear me out. This is a guilty pleasure. I picked up Sidney Sheldon during my mid-teens. I must have read over half of everything he has ever written. This is the pizza of books. Is it good for you? No. Is it entertaining? Oh, definitely. I could re-read this book a million times because who doesn’t love pizza?


I hope you have enjoyed my list of books I would re-read forever. Please feel free to leave a comment if you have read any of these books or if you think I would enjoy some books that you have read.

Check out my Goodreads for books I am currently reading.